Hip and Thigh: Smiting Theological Philistines with a Great Slaughter. Judges 15:8

Friday, January 26, 2007

Fourth Grader's Self-inflicted Injuries Ruins Fun For Classmates

[AP - Santa Clarita] Parkview Avenue elementary school administrators were forced to enact new lunchroom rules after a near choking incident with a fourth grade student. According to witnesses, James Clifton, a student from Ms. Wells class, inhaled a big 'ole gob of milk up into his nasal cavity causing him to erupt into severe coughing spasms.

"Brent kept daring Jimmy to blow milk out his nose," stated fellow class mate David Anders, "So Jimmy sucked up a bunch of it and he must have sucked it up wrong because he started coughing milk all over everybody sitting at the table."

"It was really cool," he added, "but now we can't have any more fun during lunch time."

Principle, Cathy Burns, became alarmed that lunchroom personnel did not react quicker to the situation because they were unable to hear the student's coughing due to the noise level in the cafeteria. "By the time we came to Jimmy's aide he was red faced from coughing uncontrollably," Principle Burns said. "I knew then I needed to do something to prevent this from happening again."

She then called the other school administrators to an emergency meeting where they adopted a list of new lunchroom rules. Some of the new rules include,

- No students are allowed to talk above a whisper
- No laughing with mouths full of food
- No food of any kind is to be inserted into any bodily orifice

In a letter to parents, Principle Burns stated she understood how many people may believe the new rules are excessive. "I am sure there will be parents and children angered by the new restrictions," she wrote, "but the safety of all the students is at stake."

This is not the first time James Clifton has been the source for school administrators to enact sweeping change with school policy. Last February, administrators agreed to ban all future Valentine Day card exchanges after four girls who are known as "class dogs" received what one teacher described as rude and inappropriate Valentine cards that insulted their appearance and weight.

"I was shocked Jimmy's parents even let him come to school with them," said Rita Spencer, James' then third grade teacher, "He managed to make four girls cry, and the parents of one of them had her removed from my class."

"I know it is disappointing for the students to no longer have a Valentine's Day party," added another teacher, Anita Williams, "But they need to understand the importance of preventing someone from getting his or her feelings hurt."

The most recent change happened last October when Principle Burns had all the play ground equipment removed after James broke his wrist during a miscalculated playground stunt.

"Jimmy was swinging real high on the swings," recalled Michael White, one of Clifton's close friends, "And when Angie Pappert, one of the girls Jimmy really wants to go with showed up with some of her friends, Jimmy yells out, 'Hey everybody! watch this!' and then he jumped out of the swing to the monkey bars but missed big time. He busted his hand up real good."

The students' recess time is now spent sitting on the grass quietly for two 15 minute periods, once in the morning and a second time in the afternoon.

"Jimmy can be funny sometimes," observed Angela Pappert, another of Clifton's classmates, "but he takes his goofing around too far. He is a big ruiner."

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

"- No food of any kind is to be inserted into any bodily orifice"

So what they're suppose to absorb the food now via osmosis? After all a "mouth" is a "bodily orifice."


11:41 PM, January 26, 2007  
Blogger Fred Butler said...

After all a "mouth" is a "bodily orifice."

Hence the reason this post is labelled "humor"

11:52 AM, January 27, 2007  
Blogger sdp said...

That's funny... I remember when I was in Junior High, I was part of a group that started a food fight.

Instead of banning foods from our orifices they lined us all up and whacked each of is with a very long paddle. (In front of the rest of the lunch room.) I never started another food fight again.

I think that's what Jimmy needs.

9:49 AM, January 29, 2007  
Blogger elephant said...

I sometimes get crazy at things like this, but then remember that we ARE in California. I don't know why I would even bother continuing to expect that things be sane out here.

Oh, and sdp: I don't think that'd work. A friend has heard on the radio that CA is considering a law against spanking children under the age of 3. Penalties could include jail time or fines of up to $1000. Don't think those same people would approve of what you and I know works. :-P

11:25 AM, January 29, 2007  

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